Broke and Broken

I'm so broke. I'm so stressed I want to eat everything I see yet I'm damn near shitting my brains out at the same time. The people that have leaned on me are no better off than I am. I dunno, I dunno, I dunno.

When being nice back fires on you...

Well here I am again. I'm such a fucking bleeding heart. Here I am helping people out to the detriment of myself. I've cancelled two trips trying to act my wage all while I watch to people that have the benefit of my graciousness out and about enjoying themselves. I just don't know anymore.

blah, blah, blah

Blah Blah Blah pretty much describes my life right now. I have no urge to do much of anything. I don't get excited about much. I don't get really upset about much anymore. I'm just kinda blah, just going through the motions.  I've gained back every pound I lost plus picked up a few other strays. It's cold and I only leave the house if I have to. I need it to be summer soon. My winter blues is hitting me BAD this year.

Random

It's 5am and I should be deep in REM sleep. Yet, here I am awake with a hankering for pizza. Tonight's one of those nights I wish I didn't have feelings. I'm all in them now and it's not cool. I'm not all weepy or anything (that was last week -damn you aunt flo). I'm actually fighting the urge to be an outright bitch. So I'm avoiding. Keeping to myself so I don't let my actions come from a place of hurt. I'm slowly getting over it but, I have learned my 'place' you could say. I thought I was going to be able to learn to trust again but I'm starting to realize that I'm not that mature yet & at this present time I have no desire to be.

I know silly right?

I also think that it's funny the last few weeks I've been asked twice about my love life. And my reaction to both was meh....
I've been celibate for two years & I've gotten to the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore.

Yup, I'm crazy.

The thought of me having to share my space & be considerate of someone else's feelings.....
Shieeeet, I don't even like my own feelings.

You mad?!??

I'm over here shaking my head in wonder. Your mad cause I didn't include you in something?!!? Chile, please. You did you, now I'm gonna do me. Don't get all butt-hurt about it.

I didn't lie about things or purposely keep you from it. I just did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Some things that I'm going to do may or may not include you and your just gonna have to deal.

Just remember that our dynamic has changed because of what choices YOU made. You have no right to get upset about the things I do for ME at this point.

Drained

I'm done, tapped out, caput. I'm about to make a big change and there are going to be some feelings hurt but I gotta do what I gotta do. I've helped so many people in the last four years but, it's about to stop. I've said this before but it's getting to a sink or swim point. I wanna do what want to do with out this monkey on my back. I've got goals to accomplish (debt free being one of them). I'm doing for everybody else so I'm about to do for me. I'm going to be selfish for a while till I get my mind, body, & spirit in the correct place. Time to close up shop cause this well is running dry.

Time to minimize the material and maximize my life experience . I've got start acting below my wage to set things straight again and that includes stop supporting those that should be supporting themselves.

Indifferent

That's what I'm working on right now. I've dealt with the pain, guilt and anger. Still working on the trusting issue but, what can I say I'm a work in progress. Instead of completely excising the wound done to me I'm going to try and let it heal on its own but it's a process that's not going to happen overnight.

So indifference is all I have right now. I wasn't the one you went to in the beginning so go find the ones you went to then, if things go sour. You were so quick to go to them but; duck, dodge & lie to me that I hope that they will be there for you. Because right now I'm not feeling it. I can't really muster up the emotion to care.

Your own your own with this one right now, I gotta work on me.