Broken

I have trust issues. I readily admit this. It's one of the reasons why I don't do relationships. Until I am able to deal with this I refuse to engage in one.

My inner circle knows this. Yet, two of them have completely disabused this trust. And it broke me.

They've been lying by omission to me for over a year.

The fact that both of them did it in a what I considered a combined effort makes it damn near unforgivable.

I'm trying, really trying (maybe even overcompensating) but things will never be the same again.

That awkward moment when...

you realize that your a stranger in a roomful of friends. Yea.... I seriously experienced this tonight. So much so that it was quite uncomfortable when an argument came up. I'm talking closed door arguing like a married couple type stuff.  It was a very strange happening.  

The worst part is these people are people that I would each call friend. They have grown extremely close over the past 2 years and even tighter (in the biblical sense) in the last few months. (BTW, I'm not supposed to know this **rolls eyes**) They have even damn near started doing the 'twin-speak' thing (which is kinda cute). They have also started doing the whole talking around a subject. 

I think that's what pisses me off the most. We are all grown and I don't feel the need to hide or pussy-foot around a subject. Don't fucking talk in metaphors or code like I'm a two year old. I can't even be myself and joke about them breaking the bed during the act that shall not be named. It's okay for it to be put on a photo site as a joke and one of the boys will probably make a joke but me make one?!? OHHH NOOO!!! Lil' ole me can't say a damned thing. 

At first I was a little bit jealous of how close they were becoming. I got over that when I (and almost everyone else on the planet) recognized how good they are for each other and how much the push each other to do better. I want my friends to be happy. I'm happy when they are happy. However, I am disappointed in how they can't be open with me. So right now, I'm not so happy. 

I'm not a confrontational person by any means but, tonight I had to say something and show it in my actions. I did in my kinda sorta passive aggressive manner. When they were discussing an upcoming project I informed them (hand-actions and all) that I was not included in their little loop and no one felt the need to inform me of anything. Also, when that lil' dust up happened. I waited for about 2 minutes of the door being closed and I left. Without saying a word...