Suicidal Thoughts

Hmmm. You might be a wee bit fucked up in the head when a strange thought about suicide is on your brain. There has been many I time where I just wanted to end it all. And not in a joking matter either. Then I think, do I really want to put my family & friends through that? How disappointed would they be? How angry would they be with me?

I have come to the realization that I seek approval from those around me more than I seek approval from myself. Because in the state I am in now, if I gave zero fucks about what others thought of me.....

These bottles of Percocet & Xanax would probably do the job.

I'm going to become a fucking hermit

I hate feelings. I don't want them anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I'm a jumble of emotions right now and it's frustrating. I just want them taken away for a moment so I can sort it all out. I feel betrayed and logically I shouldn't but, still I do. I dunno, I kinda want to give up on life at the moment. Too bad I can't just pull a disappearing act. That would be cool but, being a responsible adult calls.

What is this strange feeling?

So yesterday I was hanging with my two of my close friends. I actually introduced them to each other and their friendship has grown over the past three years. They hang out quite often, talk all the time and have at times become each others support system. We spent most of the entire day together and as it went on I felt as if I was becoming an outsider. It was refreshing at times to hang out with them because of my job and then a injury that left me damn near invalid. I haven't had a chance to do a lot of activities. By the end of the day though, I was drained I just wanted to go to my room and hide and I felt a bit unsettled. I barely slept cause I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Of course the middle of the night I finally settle on what this feeling is and it's.....JEALOUSY!!! And I cried.

This is a strange thing to me. I'm not a jealous person. Yes, I have the usual fantasies of big house, fancy cars, traveling the world, etc. etc. But I live in the real world and those fantasies are fleeting. My wistfulness comes and goes so I normally don't give it a second thought. Except maybe traveling the world, I'm a nerd I'd think it would be a great learning experience. When my friends are doing good things I am right behind them cheering them on. Normally I'm comfortable with in myself to not be bothered by a lot. I've been the fifth wheel more times than I can count. But in this case, that little ugly green monster reared its head and I didn't like it. So I spent the rest of the night breaking down why I felt the way I did. And what I figured out scared me.

I'm alone, and lonely.

I have a lot of friends, some I would consider family, and a loving biological family. But I realize that none of them truly know me. I'm to scared to let anyone know how fucked up I really am. People only see bits and pieces, not the whole picture. I don't really know if I can let some of these walls down and lay it all bare. I've always been the supportive one, the sounding board, the non-judgmental one. I don't feel comfortable enough to have someone be my sounding board.

I'm a fractured individual and I don't know how to fix it yet.