You mad?!??

I'm over here shaking my head in wonder. Your mad cause I didn't include you in something?!!? Chile, please. You did you, now I'm gonna do me. Don't get all butt-hurt about it.

I didn't lie about things or purposely keep you from it. I just did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Some things that I'm going to do may or may not include you and your just gonna have to deal.

Just remember that our dynamic has changed because of what choices YOU made. You have no right to get upset about the things I do for ME at this point.

Drained

I'm done, tapped out, caput. I'm about to make a big change and there are going to be some feelings hurt but I gotta do what I gotta do. I've helped so many people in the last four years but, it's about to stop. I've said this before but it's getting to a sink or swim point. I wanna do what want to do with out this monkey on my back. I've got goals to accomplish (debt free being one of them). I'm doing for everybody else so I'm about to do for me. I'm going to be selfish for a while till I get my mind, body, & spirit in the correct place. Time to close up shop cause this well is running dry.

Time to minimize the material and maximize my life experience . I've got start acting below my wage to set things straight again and that includes stop supporting those that should be supporting themselves.

Indifferent

That's what I'm working on right now. I've dealt with the pain, guilt and anger. Still working on the trusting issue but, what can I say I'm a work in progress. Instead of completely excising the wound done to me I'm going to try and let it heal on its own but it's a process that's not going to happen overnight.

So indifference is all I have right now. I wasn't the one you went to in the beginning so go find the ones you went to then, if things go sour. You were so quick to go to them but; duck, dodge & lie to me that I hope that they will be there for you. Because right now I'm not feeling it. I can't really muster up the emotion to care.

Your own your own with this one right now, I gotta work on me.

Five things I'm not here for

-My fuck ass co-workers. One needs a muzzle cause he never shuts up & the other is complete fucking idiot.

-Stupid drivers: why do you speed up to get in front of a person than slow down?!? Do you people not know how to merge? Get off your gotdamn phone & DRIVE

-Friends don't let friends dress like that: you & you girls need a stern talking too! Why they let you out the house like that. Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean your supposed to wear it. Dress for you size & body shape never leave the house looking like a busted can of biscuits.

-Putting all your shit on social media. Your job could be on the line. Yes people vent, you don't need to use direct names or get into a fight over facebook. What are you gonna do, hmmm?!?! Bust a caps lock on their ass?!?!

-Liars. Why the need to lie or cover up shit? All the dirt you do will come to light eventually. Just be upfront & honest with me & I will respect you all the more. Especially when I consider you a trusted person in my life. I may forgive you but most likely every action after that will be given a side-eye.

Broken

I have trust issues. I readily admit this. It's one of the reasons why I don't do relationships. Until I am able to deal with this I refuse to engage in one.

My inner circle knows this. Yet, two of them have completely disabused this trust. And it broke me.

They've been lying by omission to me for over a year.

The fact that both of them did it in a what I considered a combined effort makes it damn near unforgivable.

I'm trying, really trying (maybe even overcompensating) but things will never be the same again.

That awkward moment when...

you realize that your a stranger in a roomful of friends. Yea.... I seriously experienced this tonight. So much so that it was quite uncomfortable when an argument came up. I'm talking closed door arguing like a married couple type stuff.  It was a very strange happening.  

The worst part is these people are people that I would each call friend. They have grown extremely close over the past 2 years and even tighter (in the biblical sense) in the last few months. (BTW, I'm not supposed to know this **rolls eyes**) They have even damn near started doing the 'twin-speak' thing (which is kinda cute). They have also started doing the whole talking around a subject. 

I think that's what pisses me off the most. We are all grown and I don't feel the need to hide or pussy-foot around a subject. Don't fucking talk in metaphors or code like I'm a two year old. I can't even be myself and joke about them breaking the bed during the act that shall not be named. It's okay for it to be put on a photo site as a joke and one of the boys will probably make a joke but me make one?!? OHHH NOOO!!! Lil' ole me can't say a damned thing. 

At first I was a little bit jealous of how close they were becoming. I got over that when I (and almost everyone else on the planet) recognized how good they are for each other and how much the push each other to do better. I want my friends to be happy. I'm happy when they are happy. However, I am disappointed in how they can't be open with me. So right now, I'm not so happy. 

I'm not a confrontational person by any means but, tonight I had to say something and show it in my actions. I did in my kinda sorta passive aggressive manner. When they were discussing an upcoming project I informed them (hand-actions and all) that I was not included in their little loop and no one felt the need to inform me of anything. Also, when that lil' dust up happened. I waited for about 2 minutes of the door being closed and I left. Without saying a word...

I Survived!!! Maybe...

Well all I survived the dreaded road trip. Got off to a lil bit of a rocky start but it eventually turned out okay. It helped that I flew back a day early because of work so I didn't need to stay medicated the whole time. One of the hiccups was the night out on the town. I've had my inebriated times shutting the bars and clubs down. However, now I'm sooo over it. I have to be feeling really good in order to place myself in a tiny, crowded place and not feel like I'm being suffocated. It doesn't help that I'm from a town where the bars and clubs are getting shot up constantly. Because of this I always look for multiple exits and I am constantly on the look out for trouble.

We happen to hit up two locations that night. First one was no problem, outside patio helps my issues a lot. Second place though, within in thirty minutes of being there some joker gets put out and the bouncer almost knocks me over in the process. I'm so done and nowhere near drunk enough to let it roll off my back. After that I find the one of the most tucked away spots in the place and burrow in. Thank goodness for the most part my friends understand this and let me be for a moment. I drown myself in Twitter for a bit and take a few shots of what ever the bar hop girl is passing around.

As I calm myself down the realization hit me that it's happening again. I've surrounded myself with the social butterflies, the pretty people, the in-crowd.  How the fuck does this keep happening? I'm the fat, awkward, afro wearing, societal unattractive black girl. There is always one ugly one in the crew.  I'm never completely up on the latest fashions, or music or celebrity blah, blah blah. I tend to stay in my nerdy lane. I get excited when I can read the next Naruto or Bleach. I got excited for Shark Week. I watch Deadliest Catch faithfully for god's sake!!

Then I realize none of these people know that. I'm the purse/coat/drink watcher, the place holder.

Well people, this place holder is fading fast.

The Fifth Wheel

On a road trip with a few friends and I have the wonderful position of being the 5th wheel. Ohhh, what JOY!!! (there really needs to be a sarcasm font) I used to be okay with this I've played this roll more times than I can count. Lately though I've just been annoyed. So much so that as soon as I got in the car I popped a Xanax and I know that I will be taking quite a few more to get through the next couple of days. I'm not excited at. all. about this adventure.

I don't know why I've been getting annoyed by simplest things lately. I'm starting to think that I spend so much time by myself that I am become adverse to contact with people in my personal life. Somehow I do fine at work maybe cause there the mask is always on.

I'm going to really have to try hard this trip though. The mask has already slipped once and I can't continue to let it out. This is gonna be hard as shit. One friend reads people pretty good.

I'm normally always game for a road trip and I was dreading packing for this one. And if wasn't for the money that I already shelled out this awkward black girl would still be curled up in her blankets.

Lord, please allow me survive the next 48 hours without cracking.

Suicidal Thoughts

Hmmm. You might be a wee bit fucked up in the head when a strange thought about suicide is on your brain. There has been many I time where I just wanted to end it all. And not in a joking matter either. Then I think, do I really want to put my family & friends through that? How disappointed would they be? How angry would they be with me?

I have come to the realization that I seek approval from those around me more than I seek approval from myself. Because in the state I am in now, if I gave zero fucks about what others thought of me.....

These bottles of Percocet & Xanax would probably do the job.

I'm going to become a fucking hermit

I hate feelings. I don't want them anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I'm a jumble of emotions right now and it's frustrating. I just want them taken away for a moment so I can sort it all out. I feel betrayed and logically I shouldn't but, still I do. I dunno, I kinda want to give up on life at the moment. Too bad I can't just pull a disappearing act. That would be cool but, being a responsible adult calls.

What is this strange feeling?

So yesterday I was hanging with my two of my close friends. I actually introduced them to each other and their friendship has grown over the past three years. They hang out quite often, talk all the time and have at times become each others support system. We spent most of the entire day together and as it went on I felt as if I was becoming an outsider. It was refreshing at times to hang out with them because of my job and then a injury that left me damn near invalid. I haven't had a chance to do a lot of activities. By the end of the day though, I was drained I just wanted to go to my room and hide and I felt a bit unsettled. I barely slept cause I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Of course the middle of the night I finally settle on what this feeling is and it's.....JEALOUSY!!! And I cried.

This is a strange thing to me. I'm not a jealous person. Yes, I have the usual fantasies of big house, fancy cars, traveling the world, etc. etc. But I live in the real world and those fantasies are fleeting. My wistfulness comes and goes so I normally don't give it a second thought. Except maybe traveling the world, I'm a nerd I'd think it would be a great learning experience. When my friends are doing good things I am right behind them cheering them on. Normally I'm comfortable with in myself to not be bothered by a lot. I've been the fifth wheel more times than I can count. But in this case, that little ugly green monster reared its head and I didn't like it. So I spent the rest of the night breaking down why I felt the way I did. And what I figured out scared me.

I'm alone, and lonely.

I have a lot of friends, some I would consider family, and a loving biological family. But I realize that none of them truly know me. I'm to scared to let anyone know how fucked up I really am. People only see bits and pieces, not the whole picture. I don't really know if I can let some of these walls down and lay it all bare. I've always been the supportive one, the sounding board, the non-judgmental one. I don't feel comfortable enough to have someone be my sounding board.

I'm a fractured individual and I don't know how to fix it yet.